tv Larry King Live CNN January 5, 2011 12:00am-1:00am EST
here and in new york there's a lot of planes on the runway ready to take off you all the time at any given time. there's a lot of ambition. there's a lot of entitlement, in some circles with people that believe certain jobs belong to them. the -- so the answer is yes, it's something that i'm very, very interested in. >> i don't know, eliot, sure sounds like he's running for something. there's plenty more where that came from. it's a great enter view. be hey, welcome to a special 9:00 edition of "360." tonight, the queens of comedy, four of the funniest females in show business, joan rivers, joan behar, kathy griffin and phyllis diller join me for a conversation where anything goes and nothing is off limits. plus, the man who's going to take over this time slot in less than two weeks, piers morgan. you know him as a judge on "britain's got talent."
he made simon cowell cry. that's later. first, four funny ladies, each one a ground breaker and helping to break down the door of the boys' only club known as comedy. phyllis diller with join us later. let's start the conversation. thank you all for joining us for this weird two-week show that really doesn't exist. appreciate you being on. >> in memory of -- >> in memory of larry king. >> yes. >> this is a larry king-esque women of comedy panel. >> larry king used to laugh at everything i said. you better start laughing. >> i will laugh and -- >> that's why he's off the air. >> that must be it. >> joan, i want to read something that jerry lewis once said. a woman doing comedy doesn't offend me but i have a trouble with it. i think of her producing a machine that brings babies into the world. >> oh god. when did we last laugh at jerry lewis? the french think he's funny. those idiots.
>> did you get that a lot when you started in comedy? >> no. i have always said people say, oh, it's a man's field and you're not accepted. if hitler came back, with ten good minutes, they would be saying, there's another side to him. he's sort of -- >> he's hilarious. >> it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman or a dog, no. it's ridiculous. >> do you think -- >> that's not true. i don't agree with that. men are used to laugh at men. getting up there and you're a woman with bobby boobs, should i laugh or sleep with her? used to be. >> used to be but not now. >> now it's okay. but when you started. >> nobody wanted to sleep with me anyhow. >> yes, they did. edgar did. >> he was desperate to get a green card. man, was he -- >> that's true. >> better looking than thatcher. >> did you find that when you first started? >> yeah.
well first of all, i brought my boobs so girl, boobs, ready to start the jokes. i find it's very sexist and i still get calls like three weeks ago i got a call from somebody to do the pilot presentation tape and said, yeah, we just don't have the girl comic yet. it's still a little bit of a quo that situation and if you call the club and ask for the saturday night liveup probably eight male comedians to one female comedian. it's throughout. >> kathy, fewer women than men in the business. you know what i'm saying? >> a bunch of men on the planet. >> i wish. only go to australia for that. >> alaska. >> by the way, did sarah palin present you -- >> no, no. >> oh. >> what's his name gave this to me. the -- >> todd palin. >> brett favre? >> no, no, no. the one mean to the dogs. >> michael vick. >> vick! michael vick. i had to clean it. >> yeah. so anyway.
>> but i really think -- it's a great excuse -- do you know when people are -- people say, oh nobody wants me because i'm this or that. i never thought about that. i sat with woody allen and bill cosby and me and dick cavett. >> but you look at betty white. >> don't talk about betty white! >> why snot. >> why? >> that old bitch. from the dead, taken all my jokes. taken everything. >> your jokes or parts? >> both. >> anderson, that's a trigger for joan. >> i see that. >> little bit of a sticking point there. >> you know how she got it? >> how. >> slept around. >> slept with everybody. >> she's -- >> right to the middle. >> biggest ho in television. >> i go along with that. >> oh, yeah. >> no, i like betty white. >> no. seriously -- >> it means more parts for us going into the dotage, right?
>> say it again. >> forget it. >> you say kathy's taking some of your gigs. >> no. oh kathy's taking all my gigs but she is my friend. well, here's the -- they call up and say who would you rather have? kathy griffin, brand new, hot, terrific or joan's still around. and we get the same agent and he says to me, look at her booking sheet. well, you want to go -- >> kathy, is this true? >> i love the last name is still around. kathy's still around. look, these ladies have longevity and that's what i love and admire and i think we are all in it for that, right, gals? we like the longevity than the flash in the pan. >> we would have to come up with a new job. it's ridiculous. we know how to do this. >> no. it's too late for me to be a dental hygienist. that ship has sailed. >> no, but you know, the one thing good thing i thought, i wanted to be an actress and realized to be a comedian. that's the door that opened and
then how lucky. it doesn't matter how old we are as long as -- >> age doesn't matter in comedy? >> as long as you're funny. >> it's amazing, though. >> it's true. >> you're still out in comedy clubs. >> yes. >> trying out new material. >> constantly. >> every wednesday and tuesday night. >> when did you do stand-up? >> july. >> two shows on television. >> i can't right now. i'm brain dead on the stand-up. >> joan, why are you still out there doing it? >> i love it. dy a thing about "spider-man" that broke me up. >> you did stand-up last night? >> yeah. again tonight. >> didn't you see the documentary? >> 2:00 a.m. in the laugh shack or something. >> the life! no. >> here's the thing about women comedians. it is ageless. like the kardashians, their not ageless. kim is going to realize that she's getting older but funny she wouldn't care. >> what do you think she'll do when she's older? >> i don't know. maybe betty white.
>> senior sex tape. >> senior sex tape? >> senior sex tape? >> senior sex tape. it will be very hot. >> i tried that. >> oh yeah? >> and? >> i couldn't get a sailor to go into it with me. >> we'll get brett favre to do a quadruple with the three of us and sell like hot cakes or hot buns, whatever he'll call us. >> is there a comradery? >> used to be before today. >> i think on your way up, there's not. because it's -- you're all trying to get the same job. but i find now all my friends are lady comedians. it's going to be a woman in the business. kathy and i have -- i like to say very close because i have no good friends. >> very close friends, absolutely. >> we're very close, right? like twice a year. >> intimate, intimate. but i think there's a certain -- also we get it. you know? >> the boys know how to do it. when we were coming up, the boys would stick together and the women weary of each other.
i didn't like that game. it's better to be cooperative, i think and help each other. >> if there's one job it's still very competitive. >> you are not up for the same job as i would be. you wouldn't be. >> yes, i would be. if they want a fat, ugly, old -- >> nice. >> woman who has no sex appeal. then they call us both in. >> nice. >> lovely. >> adorable. >> and she says betty white is a bitch? >> she is america's sweetheart. >> all right. >> we have to take a quick break. much more ahead. also later, phyllis diller and piers morgan. i don't know why he's on the women of comedy special but we'll be right back. ♪ ooh, ah la, la, la ♪
♪ ooh, ah la, la, la ♪ ♪ ooh, ah la, la, la ♪ ♪ ooh, ah la, la, la ♪ ♪ ooh, ah la, la, la ♪ ♪ [ dance beat ] ♪ ooh, ah la, la, la ♪ ♪ ooh, ah la, la, la ♪ ♪ ooh, ah la, la, la ♪ [ male announcer ] join theladders.com. we don't just post the $100k+ jobs. we give you the tools and guidance you need to be irresistible. ♪ ooh, ah it's really different. it's got this start screen that lets me do stuff faster and easier. see? it even has bing right here.
so...the second my flight gets canceled, i can quickly find the nearest... airport hotel. i'm in, i'm out, and i'm done. so now i can actually look up and make sure i get off this thing. vo: now for a limited time get a samsung focus for $99.99 at at&t. so i take one a day men's 50+ advantage. as a manager, my team counts on me to stay focused. it's the only complete multivitamin with ginkgo to support memory and concentration. plus it supports heart health. [ bat cracks ] that's a hit. one a day men's. [ male announcer ] when sean was looking at mba programs, he wanted a curriculum designed to meet market needs,
with faculty who brought real-world perspective on where the business world was headed and the practical experience to help him make an impact. my name is sean blankenship, i'm making the electric car more accessible, and i am a phoenix. [ male announcer ] learn more about the school of business at phoenix.edu. here's what i love. i love that anderson cooper covered katrina in prada. right? he's like, i'm up to my knees in
human feces in pra ka. all right. >> you made the act, andy. you made the act. you have arrived. >> it is not true but i made the act. it was funny. >> you're so full of it. you know you were in prada underwear. >> kathy is dangerous in her act. >> yeah? >> jokes about barbara walters. she does jokes about every celebrity. >> i know. >> that's right. >> you can't be in her company. anything you say. >> she also -- >> no. >> oh, i have said to her tonight is off limits and then when -- >> absolutely. >> we really talk. you have got to. >> that's the dirty little secret. i can keep a secret. but you have to tell me. >> remember that book "you'll never eat lunch in this town again"? a word to the wise. >> 24/7. >> are there things you won't say, kathy? jokes you come up with and think -- why am i asking you this? nothing you won't say. >> no.
nothing off limits and nothing i won't say. >> you like offending people. i mean, that's -- >> yes. >> you like creating -- >> i like getting, you know, certain reactions. i love a twitter war. i would love a twitter war with that dude that chris brown got in one with. nobody knew who he was and he has 20,000 followers. i don't shy away. i love it. >> you know who loves the twitter wars? piers morgan. >> good. >> i'll declare one with him right now. i've had it with his crap. and it is go time, my friend. >> is it quiet in this discussion that you bring his name up every five minutes? >> yes. that's why i have this gig. >> okay. >> he's dangerous. >> i love his "star search 3." do you know the expressions? >> no. >> three minutes for "star search" and if you did the "tonight show" five. college 15 minutes. college 50. and then my live shows which are the live 240. >> two hours and 40 minutes.
>> i ramble. >> two hours and 40minutes? i was in shock. >> it's stories which is great. she's very funny, kathy. she dishes. dish, dish. >> trying to walk into my next act. i really do. >> two hours of -- i'm going this saturday somewhere in portland and symphony opening for me. do you understand? >> but if you tell kathy -- >> not doing two hours and 40 minutes. >> if you tell kathy you have thinning vaginal lining and say it in the ladies room, she'll tell it to everyone on the bravo. >> we are on television. you have said that on television. >> i'm just saying shechlt 'll do that. am i right car, think? >> if you don't tell her -- >> can we talk about anybody's vaginal lining? >> she hasn't mentioned my constipation problems. >> because i'm a friend and a model second. a model second. >> that is a thing you asked me about on new year's eve and i
said stay away from it. >> well, that's why i'm going to do it anyway. the live show, i do nothing but two hours on vaginal lining and then see where the audience takes me. it's a ride. >> i tell you who will do it, anderson. >> who? >> piers morgan. >> dangerous. >> thank you for mentioning him. i don't have to for another few -- >> working with you, yeah. >> the vaginal lining is a wreck. >> good lord. >> poor kate gosselin hearing that. >> oh my god. >> if her vaginal lining could talk. >> is she still around? >> i think of it as a uterus. on "dancing with the stars" i thought three more kids would come out. shucks. what the hell is going on? i hate her so much. >> do you? >> don't you? >> babs coming out doing the splits. >> why do you hate her? >> because you have had eight children, stay home and take care of them, you dumb bitch. at least learn their names. >> do you watch a lot of, like, reality tv? >> the dug gars.
>> very little. i don't like looking at blue collar. you know what i'm saying? i don't care -- >> she likes the royal -- >> the house on wheels, i just don't want to watch it. >> where you live. >> there will be a tornado hitting it. only hits those particular houses. >> i like to look up. >> if there's a royal family reality show -- >> i would be watching this. >> on wheels, on wheels. >> out. the princess diana story. >> and the vaginal linings, whoo. >> the new movie, feel sorry for him, he has a stutter. he's king! i'll trade king for stutter. >> he couldn't give the speech. >> who cares? he has a palace! have a servant say it for you. >> doing it with the h-h-h-hitler. okay? >> h-h-h-hitler! >> i don't think it works. >> anderson, that is one of the comedy staples, go to hitler when in doubt.
>> that's a mel brooks thing. >> he always kills, get it? >> yeah. germans. >> you ask us a serious question? >> no, i'm not. i don't have no serious questions. the piece of paper is blank. >> how's your vaginal lining? >> we can edit this out. >> i like a dog with a bone, sorry. >> you are -- >> vaginal lining parts? >> no. we have said it so many times. i'll try to -- >> scrotum lining. >> the vaginal lining of -- >> it's dangerous. >> the new tag line. the new tag line, by the way. all right. yeah. >> this is going to be great for the christmas gag reel. >> yeah. >> they're going to regret giving me the 9:00 time slot a lot. >> they didn't give it to you, anderson. >> true. they're dangling it in front of me for two weeks. forcing me to do it. do you guys hang out? i mean -- >> we're having dinner a couple of weeks. she hangs out with kathy, right?
>> as much as you can -- not you. you're lucky. >> i have two shows. i know. you have a show on the air, too an i have two shows on the air. >> you have a -- >> fashion police on e! and then we start on w.e. i moved in with her. >> what a nightmare. >> it was a nightmare. >> why would you do that? >> i try to be nice because you never know when i'll need a piece of liver. >> you have to think of the organs and the future. >> got to think ahead. >> we have a -- we have a clip from that show. >> you have said it 100 times. and i asked you not to talk about it in front of cooper. it is not appropriate. >> anybody that brings a girl that looks like that into this house, i don't know what you're trying to prove, melissa. >> you said -- >> you're trying to prove something. >> the nice thing is there's nothing to do about it.
>> a wonderful check, say good-bye in swedish. so long. and you just send her away. >> the nanny, i guess. >> she -- melissa is no naive. she brings a nanny in for real. hello, hello. are you out of your mind? she's out of her mind! >> why? >> why? >> because she's a nice girl. my daughter is so nice. i don't know where she got it from. i'm a bitch. my husband was just as evil. i don't know where she came from. >> it's a reaction. >> it's a reaction. reaction. >> but the nanny's a man there that the nanny could take away? >> yes. living with jason. are you crazy? >> that's a big mistake. >> railroad trendy to get a nanny. >> a nanny is always good. >> yes. very trendy. >> my mother used to say pick a friend, pick her ugly. more than that, pick a nanny, pick her like quasimodo with a bow. >> your grandson's named cooper, after me? >> yes. >> so nice.
>> this is so uncomfortable. >> the sperm bank and just hoped. >> you understand how wasps, which you are one of them. >> i am. >> family haves the first name as a last name. >> that's right. >> anderson cooper. >> 18th century law firm. >> the jews don't do that. you never hear gerstein bernstein. what is that about? >> i don't know. there's so many things i don't understand about being a wasp. >> it's anderson -- >> we have to take another quick break. litter, joined by the legendary phyllis diller and then talking to my new cnn colleague piers morgan. stick around. >> i thought it was me. with beauty... ♪ ...and brains. now get a samsung focus™ for only $99.99. only from at&t. rethink possible. now get a samsung focus™ for only $99.99. has the biggest hotel deals we're offering the big deal guarantee. book a hotel with name your own price
and if you can find a lower published price anywhere else we'll match it and pay you $25. book now and save up to 60% on hotels. only at priceline. fifteen percent or more on car insurance? does a former drill sergeant make a terrible therapist? patient: and that's why yellow makes me sad. i tnk. sarge: that's interesting. you know what makes me sad? you do! maybe we should chug on over to mambie pambie land sawhere maybe can find some yoself-confidence for you.? ya jackwagon! tissue? crybaby. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more.
a lot of men say to me, what are the rules, joy? do we still have to pay? yes, you do. but that's the only thing that's the same. okay? that and kill the big bugs in the kitchen. these are the jobs. everything else we can handle. all right? >> welcome back to the special edition of "ac 360. talking with three iconic women of comedy. i want to play a clip of you, joan, from the "ed sullivan show" back in the 1960s when you started. let's watch. >> when i was 21, my mother said, only a doctor for you. when i was 22 she said, all right, a lawyer. cpa. 24, she said, we'll grab a dentist. 26, she said, anything. if he can make it to the door, he was mine. you know? what do you mean you don't like it? he's intelligent. he found the bell himself. what do you want? anybody that came to my house
was it. oh, joan, there's the most attractive man down here with a mask and a gun. anything that showed up. >> 40 years later. same face. not. >> it's good genes. i would do plastic surgery but i keloid. they tell you. >> you're african-american. >> yeah. these women looked at you. talking through the part in the hair and said i would do something but i scar easily. >> liars. >> how important do you think is beingdepricating. >> it's okay. >> you make fun of yourself before they do? >> always about myself. >> of course, she can take on someone else, also. >> do you do that, as sfwhel. >> yeah. rodney dangerfield. why do women get the label? nobody ever said he wasself
depricating. >> you're a wonderful person. what brar bah walters says about you is not so. absolutely. you're a bar nice person. >> what is she saying? >> she hates you. >> oh, well. >> so does whoopi. >> can't win them all. >> do you going on "the view"? >> i do except -- >> i love it, anderson. oh, okay. >> all right. never mind. this is over for me. >> i love going on "the view" because you get to see friends. you never goat to see much. there's five of you. >> too many people. too many people. >> that's why you like hln? >> i'm the only one there. i love it. >> what about you, kathy? >> i'm currently under a ban. the ban's been lifted before. >> you are not banned, kathy. >> that's not true. >> b.s. joy, b.s.
unless you're lifting it right now. >> you hosted it, didn't she? >> they love you over there. >> come on any time. tell them i said so. >> okay. i'll be back. >> why do you feel you've been banned? why have you been banned in the past? >> i've been banned in the past from the star jones past and the barbara walter days which is current. i like to tease her and she doesn't get me but i like her anyway and elisabeth hasselbeck and she gets very upset. >> you are up, kathy, a grammy award for best comedy album this year? >> i have a nomination for best comedy album. i like that i've won in your mind. in the history of the grammys, only two women won best comedy album. >> is that really true? >> yeah. >> who are they? >> whoopi and lily. >> one doesn't count then.
>> well, that's -- >> i'm not going to ask which one. >> not stand-up comedy thing. >> whoopi's wasn't where you're from. >> she is a -- >> yeah. >> and the stand-up. we go on the road together sometimes. >> do you? >> she spiels. she's more of a spieler. she's funny. >> she's wonderful. >> political stuff. >> did you always do your style of comedy, telling stories? >> yes. in fact, i wanted -- yes. i still can't tell a joke to save my life like a knock-knock joke. and so i just started out in the coffee houses doing stories and luckily i had friends help me out saying do your thing and they know very well, you want to play to your strengths and do what you do and hopefully things unique to you so i do a personal experience, burning bridges, musings. believe me, i'm happy to do a half hour right now on the launch of the own network. i could be off and running. i'm excited about the sarah ferguson.
i'll never be on it. sarah ferguson in the journey. i want to see the bitter shania shane. the judds i could watch all day. >> did you watch oprah behind the scenes? >> yes. i can't wait to see what happens with liza. we're going off to australia! it was fantastic. >> i'm always amazed at kathy because she really is up on all of this pop culture and i go, well, i haven't seen that. i have to go watch that. and then i tivo. >> has your comedy changed? >> yes. much rougher. >> much rougher? >> yeah. >> is that because -- no way to do that kind of stuff? >> yeah. what they thought was wild then, i played -- my record literally for my daughter and said, look, they said to me -- they didn't want me on the half the shows. the hairdresser of mr. phyllis, people went into shock. i had an affair with a professor
while he was engaged to me his wife -- i guess he wasn't sincere. >> that was the '50s. >> '60s. >> '60s. >>ing. you were already a star. you can't remember that. >> i was in utero but let's not go there. >> you have a file still of -- >> i have a file of the jokes. >> she's nuts. >> i'm doing things now and making fun about cancer. i started that last night and i -- a friend of mine is really very sick with cancer and saying i'm only nice to her because she was a bitch until her hair grows back. >> that's funny stuff. >> are there things -- there's at times you can't. >> you try but, you know, push the envelope. push the envelope. >> it is all in your attitude. >> anything and everything. it's okay. >> if you're not mean spirited, you can work it out. >> she is not mean. she is talking nicely about a friend, really. >> yeah. i love my friend. >> and likes the attention probably.
>> she lost a breast, she lost 11 pounds. i said, stop. it's practice. it takes me four months. >> kathy, i remember you saying you had performed in front of some aids patients i think somewhere and weren't -- >> yeah. when i started out, i wasn't sure what the rules were. you hear the things like no cancer, no aids. don't make fun of this and i started to perform at an aids hospice and i went to iraq and joan's done a uso tour and rer forming for the troops or someone in a dire situation, what i learned is those people want to laugh at the most outrageous stuff so, you know, if they've seen everything, been through everything, they're unshockable. often they want to go there. you know? because they -- >> they need a laugh. >> following somebody who's been serious. i had to follow a holocaust song up at browns and he was singing a song and now my friends on a shelf. the comedy of miss joy behar. >> oh no. >> i had to be funny.
that's hard to do. >> that's the lenny bruce. >> that's rough. >> the routine of all the boys of dunkirk and then came out afterwards. >> yeah. >> how do you -- what do you do? >> you have to try to find a segue. >> yeah. >> you try to -- >> or you comment on it. if you're in the moment. talk about that environment. because we have all done the corporate gigs where you follow the tragic video or somebody gets up there with one leg and they have a sob story and the room is quiet. now the comedy stylings. you comment on how ridiculous it is. >> what do you do? i'm an oncologist. thank you. move on. the worst -- the worst profession is an oncologist. right? in an audience. >> no! proctologist. >> no. that's funny. >> that is funny. >> oncology is not. >> yeah. >> dog oncology is really pitiful. nobody will laugh. >> i have to get another quick break in. more joan rivers, kathy griffin, joy behar.
phyllis diller will be joining us later. >> and piers morgan. >> too dangerous. she felt lost... until the combination of three good probiotics in phillips' colon health defended against the bad gas, diarrhea and constipation. ...and? it helped balance her colon. oh, now that's the best part. i love your work. [ female announcer ] phillips' colon health. i am a banker with quicken loans. this is kathy, who i helped do her first home loan, and this is her sister tina, who i also helped do her first home loan.
it was unbelievable how well it all fell together. kathy said, "well, let me give you rachel's number." easy. easy. easy. the whole loan process was simple and convenient! that's why i love quicken loans! [ male announcer ] and you'll be glad to know j.d. power and associates ranks quicken loans "highest in customer satisfaction." to learn more call 800-quicken or visit us at quickenloans.com.
i wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for joan. much in the way she acknowledges that phyllis diller paved the way for her and before her was moms mably, there's a handful of women in modern history that have done this. just a handful. >> a clip from the hugely successful and really great documentary. also joining us from her home in los angeles, legendary phyllis diller. thank you so much for being with us. >> i'm so happy to be alive.
i wanted to meet -- i've wanted to meet you for, goodness sake, for a long time. i consider you a hero, anderson. >> oh gosh, that's nice. >> and then you're so white. you look like somebody put too much bleach on you. >> yes. >> you are pretty white, anderson. >> you look like you might be carved out of ivory soap. >> yes. >> you really are white. >> i know. i'm like a newt. something that's picked up and -- scrolled out of a rock or something. >> well, i'll tell you what. us kids, we're all nuts about you. >> well, that's very nice. kathy, you were saying that really phyllis diller in many ways paved the way. >> i'm sorry. i can't see you. you're so white. i only see two blue circles. i'm sorry, sir. take it down a notch. well, yeah. i have gotten to know joan and joy and i love hearing the stories about who inspired them
and powerful when joan said when she was starting out, phyllis almost the only woman out there headlining and what a great thing that was for her to see and she learned what's like to be out there kind of alone as a female. >> joan, you remember phyllis coming to your one of your performances. >> generous of generous. i was hoping in a little nightclub, dying. and she came in, all dressed up in dior couture. stunning woman offstage and sat in the front row and laughed louder and longer than anybody. such a cone urging thing to do. >> phyllis, we have a clip of some of your earlier work. >> my husband boos. how do i tell you. he gets so high he won't drink without a net under him. he thinks he's royalty everybody's talking about his i his highness. >> did you find it hard to start in the business?
i mean, did people find it strange to see a female comic up there on stage? >> no, they always -- they virp very kind. very kind. why does it look like i went to sleep? >> she's staring at herself. phyllis, you look really good. >> you look good. >> well, i wish -- i wish i were awake. but i -- >> it is early there. >> how did you come up with -- you girls all look so -- >> how did you come up with material, phyllis? were you always funny? >> you do some of my material. >> how did you come up with it? were you always funny? >> well, yes, i was. i have certain lines that i really would like to -- for instance, i say i was a bad housekeeper. a favorite line, we have a ring around the tub you'd set a drink on. i love those lines. like the fat mother-in-law. she went to the doctor with a pain under her left breast.
turned out to be a trick knee. i like the pow. i like to make sure! we don't want to mess around. >> right. >> when phyllis started. you had to have a crazy outfit on. the hair. >> really? >> before phyllis, jean carol. she would come out on "the ed sullivan show" dressed in a suit and never heard from her after that. >> she married the head of the agency. >> married the head -- >> morris. >> phyllis -- phyllis had to look crazy. joan did not. >> i was single. i was right out of college and i wanted to get married so i wore a little black dress and circle pin and hoped. >> little did you know that men hate funny women. >> we have to take a quick break. there's more to come. our comedy icons are staying with us and then the most dangerous man at cnn, piers morgan later. some people think allstate only protects your car.
here's the truth. allstate can also protect your home or apartment, as well as your boat, motorcycle, rv, and snowmobile, and even your retirement and your life. not many insurance companies can say that. but allstate can. now that you know the truth, know this: the more of your world you put in good hands, the more you can save. dollar for dollar, nobody protects you like allstate.
i'm joined once again by four comedy legends. and in a few minutes talking to my new cnn colleague piers morgan. >> listen, anderson, stop calling us legends. we're not dead yet. >> i'm checking my ticker. yes, i'm very eagerly anticipate piers morgan's premier and i like the commercial with the close-ups on the left eye and then right knuckle and i believe the theme song is it's about me or it's all about me. how will he do an interview show that's all about him? >> we'll see. i think he'll do very well. >> was paula abdul booked? really.
>> i did paula abdul yesterday. >> i want to hear all about it. >> i heard the first interview is larry king. is that true? >> is that true? >> so smart. are you kidding? >> do you like doing tv? rather than stand-up? >> oh, yeah. so much easier. stand-up's too hard to do. it's bitch. >> what's hard about it? >> up there all by yourself. it's lonely. right? it's lonely. >> isn't that -- people who do it constantly find it exciting, right? >> when you say something, 6,000 people laugh at the same thing with you, that's your cookie. >> the thing about it is i have pre-performance anxiety, getting the first laugh, i'm fine. >> we've worked together. >> we have a good time. before the show, i'm like why am i doing this? i'm never doing it. i do it again. >> of course, are they going to like you? are they going to like you? >> am i going to remember this [ bleep ], also. >> can you tell when they'll be a good audience quickly?
>> yes, yes, yes. you can tell before you go on. you stand backstage and they have a certain noise, they make a certain noise. if they're lively and talking to each other and they have a good time, it would be good. if it's like a morgue and pretty quiet, see, you better maybe take off your clothes. >> right. >> kathy, can you get it all? >> it gets a laugh. >> can you get an audience back, kathy? >> yes, you can reel them back in but it's tough. and i -- that's one of the reasons i tend to go long. i want to try to get them back or take my clothes off as phyllis suggested which is always an option. but yeah. there's times to take the temperature and you can see what they're into. some audiences are more into pop culture or politics. some like the really outrageous, big stuff. you are taking their temperature throughout the show. that's the fun part. >> give me six gay men in a front row and i'll give you a great show. >> are you kidding?
>> oh, yeah. >> god bless them. >> best audience. they laugh. >> they get the references. they know everything. >> they get it and willing to go out. >> been there, done that. ready to have fun. >> i see six people in the front row that look gay, i'm home. >> you were saying that men are intimidated by women who are funny? >> oh, sure. no man wants to be -- men say you're funny in bed also. >> that's the scary part. they're afraid you will laugh and then they lose their you know what. >> they lose their -- >> vaginal lining, if you will. >> men, men want a woman to be beautiful and be -- all pretty girls used to be singers. you know what i mean? no little girl good looking grew up to be funny. you never -- >> you hear from women they like it when men are funny. you don't hear from men -- >> you never say, oh kate moss, stop it. oh, imam, cut it out. >> she is a riot. >> you are too [ bleep ] much!
>> and bawdy. >> it's true. you never get that. those are the words you'll never hear. >> no, no. beautiful women have to be a flower. my mother had dinner parties. so and so and so and so and then a flower. placing the table. put the flower there. >> and do you -- >> takes a special guy to think it's sexy in the back of a theater comedy club laughing at his girlfriend. >> do you like still being out on the road? >> i love it. >> you fly all over really? >> i fly more than a pilot. i can't get to the mike fast enough. i probably do about 125 cities a year but this, you know, the nature of my act is so ever chaning a and what did kate gosselin do not six months ago but yesterday. >> how often do you come up with new material? >> every day. i mean, really. that own launch is -- honestly, given me at least half an hour and that was like two days ago. i could go through the lineup and then i'm off and running and not to mention the strange addiction of women that eats
toilet paper and the guy that only eats raw meat. >> i know what you're talking about. i watched the own launch this weekend. i did. >> the own launch was fantastic. >> yeah. the launch itself. >> i can't wait to see about ryan and tatum. >> i kind of watched it. kind of lesbian. >> oprah told you to. >> i didn't happen to watch it, though. >> bravo! gail! >> i have to watch it. "the view" will be on the oprah show in february. >> doing what? >> talking. what else do we do? >> have you been on the oprah show yet? >> no. >> i found her. i found her in chicago and fought with "the tonight show" to bring her on. i was the first person to put her on national television. haven't been on since. she is not fuzzy about me obviously. >> me either. >> she made a statement recently
the word bitch will not be used on the own channel. that leaves the three of us out. >> that would be much. >> maybe phyllis. phyllis doesn't talk like that. >> well, listen, miss diller, thank you so much for being on the program. it's really a treat to finally meet you. >> i'm so happy to meet you. >> well, thank you. it's great to have you in this company and joan rivers, thank you so much. joy behar, kathy griffin, as always, thank you very much. coming up after the break -- >> guess who it is. >> piers morgan. >> the most dangerous man on television. >> piers morgan joins me next. [ marge ] psst.
eastern, 13 days from now, cnn premieres "piers morgan tonight." i've gotten to know him, i'm excited his program will lead into "360" every night. not only is he a judge on "america's got talent" and "britain's got talent," he's also been a journalist in england for many years. the interviewing skills will be showcased on "piers morgan tonight." i asked him about the famous people he's talked to. >> what makes a good interview for you? >> i like it when people are surprising. not just to me, but to everybody else and maybe even to themselves. >> because you've done some really surprising interviews with folks in the uk. elton john, simon cowell, gordon brown, i think you've made them all cry at one point. >> yeah. >> how do you make simon cowell cry? >> it's not easy. you have to push him. i've known him very well, i've known simon 20 years and i knew for him probably the only time he'll get emotional is he had this freakish day in his life when he had his first big number
one hit record with a group called west life. and it was the day that his father died. who'd always encouraged him throughout his life. and it was as he put it, this horrific day of double emotion. wonderful excitement of that moment of being number one, and then this terrible, crushing moment are bringing his mother to speak to his father to tell him the great new. >> so you actually do research. >> yeah. i research -- >> i know you're not used to people saying that. >> had i known that, i would have used that. >> i'm sort of obsession about research. i think because of my journalistic background, 25 years -- >> you'd rather know more information than less. >> i'd like to know wherever the guest is going to go, i want to go with them. if they try to bypass my line of questioning, i know where they're going. and i don't really care where they go as long as it's entertaining and you draw out some form of emotion. i like interviews to ingender an emotion in peemt.
whether it's tears, laugher, anger, passion, whatever it is, it can't be dull. it can't be nothing. >> you want authenticity. >> yeah. gordon brown. >> former prime minister. >> i love the way have you to say that to an american audience. >> just filling it in. >> like president obama. he's like the president of the united states. so our prime minister at the time, we had this great encounter, everybody thought from his years as the chancellor, running the treasury and money in the country that he was this dull, boring, unemotional, passionless, devoid vulcan. >> that is the way he sort of seems. >> actually if you know him like i do, i know underneath all that is an absolutely fire brand passionate, emotional guy. and i was determined to get it out of him. there were just some incredible moments. both talking reman tickically about how he wooed his wife, and also the terrible sadness of
losing a child before she was even 10 or 11 days old. and he got very emotional suddenly but in a very real way. and it was an extraordinary encounter but for him it was an extraordinary result because the british public woke up and thought, wow, this guy's not who we thought he was. the polls closed about six, seven points, he nearly won the election on one interview because it was the human face of this guy who we thought was a robot. now, that to me is the perfect interview. i don't care really if they're politicians or if they're members of a royal family, if they're religious leaders or if they're celebrities. the game plan is always the same. >> do you think you could make john boehner cry? >> these kids have a shot the at american dream like i did. >> you know, i think he needs to get in touch with his emotional side. and i've felt this for some time. i mean, it's really funny, that. when i watched that as a brit, if a brit politician did that, weeping about a generic situation, about not getting
kids to schools he does be even know, he'd be laughed at. here i noticed although the media was scoffing a bit, the public found that emotion quite moving and they probably like a bit of emotion and passion in their leader. >> i personally, i was surprised like the ladies of "the view" made fun of him. i think people want their politicians to be more real and here's a guy who at least is showing real emotion. >> i suppose the concern is if you get a huge national event like a 9/11 you don't want to have people who are overly emotional running your country. but i didn't really get that sense from him. i thought he's just genuinely an emotional guy about that kind of thing, children, the future, the dream. the dream that he's living. and he feels that quite passionately. >> who do you think are the most interesting celebrities right now? >> prince william and kate. because in the end what royals always show, young royals with a wedding, is they're the biggest stars in the world. >> i was amazed, i'm not that close of a follower, but we really hadn't heard her speak
before. >> no. >> that interview they gave was really the first time. >> well, the queen mother always had this wonderful phrase. if you're a member of the royal family, never complain, never explain, and certainly never be heard speaking in public. >> really? >> that's why they loved her, she's a remarkable lady, doing amazing things for her country without speaking in the country. i met her when she was 100 years old at windsor castle. ferociously smart lady, very quick, had a hilarious conversation with her. but i remember as i spoke to her thinking, i was 38, 39, i'd never heard her speak. ever. there's no television clip, apart from news in the late '50s. in the war she was so remarkably resilient, such a great public figure to the coy,